Happy Halloween!

Guy: "I got you a gift."

Girl: "Oh what is it? Is it a food processor?"

Guy: "No."

Girl: "Oh? Hmmm... Is it your dick in a box?"

Guy: "Nope"

Girl: "Well then what is it?"

Guy: "It's my dick in a food processor!"


R3
Overheard by KlimRous

Increasing Interfaith Understanding One Bat Mitzvah At A Time

Annoying jappy 13 yr old girl: "I'm gonna be Jesus for Halloween...But I'm gonna be spanky Jesus."

Bus Ride Home

Overheard by getting off at next stop...

Congrats To The Philadelphia Phillies!!!!

About 30 minutes after the Phillies won the World Series: "Look at all these crackers up here in South Philly!"

Broad St., south of Washington
Overheard by A half-cracker

Someone Needs A Hug

Businessman in one of those douchey looking dress shirts that is blue, but with white cuffs and collar, passing by a loud singer/guitar player in the Square: "This isn't fucking Central Park! I don't want to hear some fucking weirdo singing!"

Rittenhouse Square
Overheard by minding my biznatch

You Can Do Anything If You Put Your Mind To It

Four year old boy with Troy Polamalu hair to his bald father: "Why don't you try to grow some hair so you can stop worrying about mine."

On the El
Overheard by Anna

When I Snap My Fingers You'll Cluck Like A Chicken

Family of five at a restaurant. A baby is throughly enjoying himself and frequently shrieking with joy.
Father comments, "You're not a cockatiel"

Sweet Lucy's on State Road
Overheard by Oscar the Grouch

Getting Old Is Better Than The Other Option

8 or 9-ish yr old daughter: "Mommy how old are you?"

Mommy: "46"

Daughter: "Oh that's sooo old!! That's really really old."

in Superfresh
Overheard by S.1T

Shrimp Boat Captain On The Alaskan Pipeline

Group of hipsters walking around South Philly:

Hipster Bro 1: "Have you ever heard of Shrimping?"

Hipster Bro 2: "Yeah, have you ever heard of Docking?"

Hipster Bro 1: "Dokken? The eighties heavy metal band?"

7th and Wharton
Overheard by gentleman smoking a bowl

BFFs Acknowledge Limits

2 girls, early 20s -
Girl 1: "Did I ever tell you about the time I took a shit out a window?"
Girl 2: "...Why would you not tell me something like that? I thought we were friends."

walking past The White Dog Cafe, West Philly
Overheard by Claire

The Kamasutra of Michael Flatley

Irish Dancing Class...
Instructor (choreographing our positions): "This isn't going to work. We'll just have to do it boys-on-top...like in the olden days."

Southampton, Bucks County
Overheard by timmyG! (and thanks for the copy-editing)

Now That Image Is In Your Head Too. You Are Welcome.

Guy: "Did you hear, one of the "Girls Next Door" broke up with Hef? I don't know which one it was but she just packed her bags and left."

Girl: "No shit?"

Guy: "Yeah, I wonder why."

Girl: "I don't know. Maybe she wanted kids and Hef didn't."

Guy: "Like he can even have kids. There's no way he has any sperm left after all the women he's banged. Hell, when he comes it's probably just a burst of dusty air and that's it."

Some Diner in Bensalem
Overheard by KlimRous

Atrios Is Stealing My Intellectual Property!

Overheard in Philly by way of Eschaton

Definition Of A Book Geek

Guy 1: "There's this science fiction author who writes about a world made of rings...where you can walk around the inside of the ring."

Guy 2: "Like Halo?"

Guy 1: "What's Halo?"

Cafe Tea, Ambler, PA
Overheard by HillBerg

Uh, THIS Is Progress?

Girl: "Oh, speaking of Neo-Nazi's... the other day I saw this picture of a black guy with a huge swastika tattooed on his chest. What's up with that?"

Guy: "I don't know, maybe he hate's Jews?"

Girl: "Umm..."

Guy: "I mean come on, that's the one thing the races should be able to come together on: hatred of Jews."

R3 Septa Train
Overheard by KlimRous

Philosophical Discussion, High School Style

Guy 1: "The earth is a dodecahedron."

Guy 2: "Nope, it's a soccer ball."

Cafe Tea, Ambler PA
Overheard by HillBerg

See You Look As Good When You Reach 276 Years Of Age

Tourist #1 (pointing to the statue in front of Independence Hall): "Who is that?"

Park ranger: "George Washington."

Tourist #2: "We didn't recognize him!"

Tourist #1: "He looks so young... even with the bald head."

Independence Hall, 6th and Chestnut
Overheard by pieski

I Am So Proud Of My Country

During the ceremony in which Mikhail Gorbachev received the Liberty Medal on the lawn in front of the Constitution Center, A pimped out SUV stops at a red light. The driver lowers his mirror-tinted window and yells out to a police officer standing the corner:

"What's goin' on?!"

Police officer: "Gorbachev is getting an award."

Driver: "..."

Pedestrian: "You know, the Russian guy with a grease stain on his forehead."

Driver: "A'ight."

6th and Arch
Overheard by Evan

Ye Know Neither The Day Nor The Hour

"It's like the Democrats think Obama is the second coming of Christ, if they believed in God."

Center City
Overheard by Smelly

Sharing Isn't Always Caring

girl: "You're a guy, you wouldn't know about shaving your legs"

guy: "Well I used to. Back in 6th grade."

computer lab at my school
Overheard by Claire

Hockey Players Are Always Grabbing Their Sticks

Old Lady Clerk dishing out Phillies Cupcakes: "I hate the Phillies, they're gay"

Slightly younger clerk: "I like the Phillies, they're not gay, now the Eagles, they're gay- with their hands between each others' legs, you know, right there by the package."

Reading Terminal
Overheard by I love Philly

Parker Brothers: After Dark

WAY Homo-licious, twinky young chap: "Maybe I have a love addiction?"

Slightly flamboyant, overly sexed, red-headed gay: "Maybe I do, too. I'm prone to addictions. I had a Monopoly addiction once. I went to rehab and everything, but to this day paying my rent gets me hot!"

Gayborhood...of course
Overheard by timmyG! (Thanks for the title)

And Then The Aliens Abducted Me

Overly tattooed and pierced woman too old to be anything but pathetic:
"I was so fucked up that I found myself in an abandoned house, unable to sit up well enough to do lines of coke from the eightball I got for giving some bartender I barely know a blowjob."

In the middle of hipster douchebag central (4th and Girard)
Overheard by Not Suprised.

Lonely Women Demand An Address

A bookstore employee in his mid-30's, discussing how he thinks there is a guy who has been shoplifting: "We need to strip search the customers...especially the women!"

Old City
Overheard by Only woman in the store...

Creationists Are Lousy Lays

Guy: "That's why humans have lips, but monkeys or other primates don't."
Girl: "I think your mom is a monkey."
Guy: "Well, technically, so are we."
(pause)
Guy: "What?"
Girl: "I'll hear none of this crazy evolution talk."

R7
Overheard by KJM

Now That Is COOOL!

The waitress explaining to the patron why people do not use the bathroom at rumBar:

'...yea, and people go next door and say i don't wanna use the rumBar bathroom, it bleeds a lot.'

rumBar while waiting for the working bathroom
Overheard by vaginica is grossed out

Cougars Need MEAT!

SCENE: 3 older blondes coming out of the elevator and through the lobby of the hotel to leave.

Blonde #1: "And then John and I shared a patty melt."
Blondes #2 & #3 "AWWWWWWWWW."

Sheraton University City
Overheard by Team Double-Chocolate Muffins

How All Male Art Historians Begin

A Dad to his 10 year old son sitting on the stairs in the Museum of Art.

Dad: "What do you want see first?"
Son: "I don't want to see anything."
Dad: "Do you want to see some naked ladies?"

Museum of Art
Overheard by Greenmachine

Why Don't They Just DIE Already!?!

Older couple sitting at the next table, after the woman has grilled the poor waitress about every item on the menu:

Woman: "Oooo, the Greek Salad looks good. Now, does that come with a side salad like the sandwiches do?"

Waitress: "No. That would be too much salad..."

Broad and Pine at dujour
Overheard by my salad came with a side sandwich

I Love Drunk Guy Logic

Drunk Guy: *singing obnoxiously loud as he gets onto train and sits down. Obnoxious loud drunk talk goes on for several minutes*

Ticket taker: "Sir, ticket please?"

Drunk Guy: "My dad works for SEPTA, so I ride free!"

Ticket taker: "No. I still need your ticket."

Drunk Guy: "Hey that's uncool...you some kind of Commie or something?"

Ticket taker: "Sir, if you don't shut the hell up and give me your ticket, you'll be riding the next train to hell."

Drunk Guy: "Oh...

R3 Swarthmore station
Overheard by Are we at Suburban yet?

Forever Young

Older man in a bar men's room as he's about to put his hands under a hand dryer: "Blast Off!" (he then proceeds to put his hand underneath and the noise of the dryer ensues)

McGillins (Drury Street)
Overheard by Just trying to pee

But Probably Not Their Wives

Cute girl, maybe early to mid-twenties on the phone with her friend: "I need to get some new friends.. all of my friends are married men."

Rittenhouse Square
Overheard by ear hustler extraordinaire

You Had Me At "Woo! Woo!"

Possibly drunk holding a cup of coffee to random girl:
"Wooo! Wooo! This coffee's hot. Even hotter than you. And that's saying a lot. Seriously. People who live and breathe air got nothing on you. I mean it. Nothing."

30th Street Station
Overheard by JT

I'm Sure There's A Stereotype In There Somewhere

Gay man: "Did you just do, like, a 12-point turn with that tiny thing?"

Gay man in shottie seat of a Mercedes convertible: "So? He likes to take it nice and slow."

Gay man driving Mercedes convertible: "This is my piece of shit car."

Various LGBT/Ally folks: *uncontrolable laughter* "Riiiiiight..."

Friends Select School after Fins practice, 16th St between Race & Cherry.
Overheard by Gay swimmer

If Yours Is Purple And Filled With Beads, Seek Medical Attention

20-something guy, approaching 20-ish girl wearing a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt: "Yo! What's it like going to a school with no cocks?"

Bryn Mawr girl, with admirable composure: "Surely you're mistaken? We have plenty."

Guy: "What?!"

Bryn Mawr girl: "Oh yes. They tend to be pink and purple and filled with beads. They perform on command - and believe me, buddy, they're far better than those with men attached." (Walks off.)

Guy: (mouth agape)

Near the fountain in Rittenhouse Square
Overheard by Too bad there's a guy attached to mine...

Don Rickles Moved To Philly?

2 co-workers in the same office as I am:

#1: "How do you spell 'perfectly?'"

#2: "Years of practice."

13th and ellsworth
Overheard by vaginica