Naked? Check! Horny? Check! Teddy Bear? Who Gives A Shit?!

Conversation between my two roommates-

Roommate #1: I was looking at our beds today and realized that I am the least fuckable person in this room...look at the floral pillows, the teddy bear, the patchwork blanket...

Roommate #2: yeah, you need to get rid of that shit.

Our Apartment
Overheard by sincerely me

Rejected Titles:
You really don't understand the male mind

If you are naked that's not the pillows he's looking at

Most people fuck the person, not the bedspread

Try the slutty virgin persona. Sounds like you are halfway there.

Higher Education Isn't For Everyone

A group of girls, walking:

Girl: "I have to go to the bathroom."

(Girls laugh).

Girl: "I'M GOING TO POOP ON YOU!"

(Girls scream and run away).

West Chester University
Overheard by Anonymous

Everyone's Falling On Hard Times

Black Homeless Man (hitting on a woman): "But come on, baby. I'm a ninja!"

SEPTA Trolley
Overheard by vernonj

Your Right! Haven't She Evar Red Teh Internets?

Rutgers Boy #1: "I got a 60 on my art history test. For one question, the teacher wanted to know what it was. I put 'sculpture'. She took off 5 points because the answer was 'sculptor'."

"Then there was a part where we had to label the parts of a cathedral. The answer was apse, like a-p-s-e, but I put 'asp', like the snake I guess. But come on, she shouldn't take points off for spelling errors."

Rutgers Boy #2:

PATCO
Overheard by there is no partial credit in life

Should We Be Discussing This Right After AA?

Woman to Man: "Really?! You never had a chainsaw?"


Broad Street Subway
Overheard by R.T.

Future Phish Fan

6 year old: [Giggling insanely]
Mother: "What in heavens name are you laughing at?"
6 year old: "Didn't you see! The floor! The floor! Seeeee it!"
Mother: [straightfaced] "Now I don't see what's so funny about that at all."


Marshalls, Columbus Blvd.
Overheard by On the way to work

Teenage Lobsters Are Tasty

teenage girl looking at crawfish: "Oh my god! They have baby lobsters. That's so sad."

Chinese Buffet on Aramingo
Overheard by mtsbspidey

That Doesn't Make Me A Bitch, Does It?

Fur-wearing female 20-something to her sharkfin-hairdoed male 20-something companions:

"I didn't give that guy any money because he wasn't really homeless. You could tell because his clothes were way too clean. Not that I would give him money anyway, I'm just saying."

Convenient store at Christian & S. 2nd.
Overheard by PhilaPhile

V-Day + 13

Scene: A couple, clearly in the early stages of a relationship. Holding hands in a small convenience store.

GUY: "Y'know, you make me really happy."

GIRL (stops in her tracks, looks at him, cocks her head lovingly to the side): "Awww. Really?"

GUY (a romantic whisper): "In the pants."

GIRL: "Awww!"

Museum Mart, 19th and Spring Garden
Overheard by Knyght Listner

Reverse Mullet?

8-year-old boy #1: "My hairdresser is my cousin's wife."

8-year-old boy #2: "Oh yeah?"

8-year-old boy #1: "Yeah. But she royally fucked up my hair last time."

9th & Walnut, in front of Wills Eye Hospital
Overheard by hotmomma

Tortured Explanations: The Last Reserve Of The Tenured Professor

Prof: "So, you know how if you feed you're sister-in-law's kid a lot of sugar and caffeine, and he gets all crazy-like and runs around screaming? Well, that's like exciting the molecule. And after a while, the excitement dies down, and he hits something. Like a wall. And if you're lucky, he vomits. Fluorescence is the vomit of molecule excitation."

USP
Overheard by Currrly

And I Eat French Fries

Co-worker in my office boasting about how cultured she is: "I was raised on all sorts of ethnic foods. My mother used to buy us Swiss cheese when we were young."


Office in Media
Overheard by PlannerMan

Retro Queer

Young Gay (late teens): "I started going to the gym. I have this goal in mind"

Friend: "Oh, to get fit and healthy?"

Young Gay: "No, to get cut and tease all the boys in the club and make them lick me!"


13th and Walnut
Overheard by Garrett

Like A Mini-Enema Everytime

Saleswoman talking to black woman with long fingernails

Saleswoman: "Goodness, what beautiful nails you have. They are so long, do they get in the way of anything?"

Black woman: "Hell no, I wipe my ass just like anyone else!"

Macy's, 13th and Market
Overheard by Jana

I Get Paid In Little Red Pills

Unknown Cube Rat (1) {Referencing a co-worker's unpaid leave to attend rehab}: "...so they didn't send him to Palm Springs then?"

Unknown Cube Rat (2): "Do you know how much we get paid?"

Office in Media
Overheard by ImbecileCubicleMates

Bike Messengers: Our Unsung Ambassadors

A man and his wife are crossing Walnut St at 12th on a green light. They have a double stroller with 2 toddler girls in it (maybe twins?) in bright pink winter jackets.

A bicycle courier speeds through the red light on 12th street and screams at the man pushing the stroller "GET OUT OF THE WAY, FAGGOT!"

The man with the stroller yells at him "HEY! YOU HAVE A RED LIGHT!"

The courier responds with "FUCK YOU, FAGGOT!"

12th and Walnut
Overheard by doodles.

Want Free Linkage From OHiP? Try Offering Body Parts.

Hipster girl: "Do you think he'd let me go to Johnny Brenda's if I sold my kidney for it?"

(Laughs)

"Would he want my kidney?"

Ladies room, the Church
Overheard by Anonymous

Press '2' To Hear Your Message Again

Girl on cell phone: "Well, tell him that now he's got two baby mamas to deal with!"

West Chester University
Overheard by Anonymous

A Family That Plays Together....

"The problem with Charles* and the strip club is that it's like church for him, like he goes with his family!"

Starbucks, Chestnut and 10th
Overheard by liepshein

* name changed to protect the guilty

All Girl Dorms == Anorexia And Pillow Fights!

Girl 1: "I haven't eaten in like, two days."

Girl 2: "That's a good diet!"

Girl 1: "I know! I lost like, twelve pounds!"


McCarthy Hall, West Chester University
Overheard by Anonymous

A Future Federal Reserve Chairman

One CVS cashier to another after a customer's credit card was declined: "his card ain't broke, he just don't got no money."

center city
Overheard by only in philly...

Actually L. Ron Hubbard Already Did

Dude 1 (sounding really superior): "I bet you don't know what Scientology is!"
Dude 2: "What, you mean like that crazy religion Tom Cruise is into?"
Dude 1: "Wait...what? Thats what that is?"
Dude 2: "Yeah, their crazy and shit, they believe that aliens populated the earth and stuff."
Dude 1: "I don't believe you...you're making all this stuff up!"

Forrest Theater
Overheard by adora belle

And The Mating Ritual Commences

20 something Guy suit staring at 20 something blonde business woman then turning to keep watching as she passes. (making biting gestures with mouth): "Arr Arr Arr Arr"

8th and Market
Overheard by S.1T

Now Can I Touch Your Boobies?

Girl: "Who said anything about $2,000 sofa's? We can go to the Dump! And if we don't see anything there we like, we can just take a dump, preferably on something white and expensive, and then leave."

Guy: "I'm all for shopping around, and defecating in public."

Girl: "And are you really all for shopping around and defecating in public or are you just saying that to appease me?"

Guy: "Hey, you just point to a ficus in a shopping mall, and I will show you how much I like defecating in public."

Bensalem
Overheard by vmorgs

'Cause, Like, Isn't That How To Judge A Book?

Two 20 something girls looking at table display of books.

Girl #1 (pointing to best-seller "The Dangerous Book for Boys"): "That book is so popular. Everybody is talking about it."

Girl #2: "It must be the cover."

Border's Bookstore - Rosemont, PA
Overheard by kc

Your Sister Was Just In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time

Guy talking on phone: "I was really horny! I had to fuck something!"

11th and Walnut
Overheard by Jesse

Ahhhh, The Confirmation Of Stereotypes Is So Comforting

Blond sleeps in bus seat wearing playing ipod.

Ghetto Chick sitting directly behind Blond reaches through the crack between the seats, takes ipod and starts looking through play lists/switching songs.

Blond wakes up and seems confused as she follows the cord of her ipod through the seats and makes eye contact w/Ghetto Chick.

Ghetto Chick throws ipod and says "I DI-INT HAVE TO GIVE IT BACK BITCH"

China Town Bus to NYC
Overheard by YouKnewItLady

My Erogenous Zones Know The Feeling

Male communications department wonk to his lady friend: "In certain zones, I feel that you're not very intuitive."

A coffee house in Chestnut Hill
Overheard by When Derrida Attacks!

How Does That Sell Cards?

Depressed man to woman: "Valentine's day was developed by Hallmark to make people who don't have a significant other feel like more of a loser than they already are"

8th and Walnut
Overheard by Adam

Rejected Titles:
Nope, It Was The Liqueur Companies

Let's Jump Off A Bridge

Hallmark Has A Card For That

Someone's A Fat Loser

Mom Still Doesn't Love You

Experimenting

Today I am trying something new. I'm turning on comments. We'll see how it goes.

I Was Saving It For Valentine's Day

Homeless Laydee to Homeless Man: "Aw, you spotted that beer jawn."


12th Lombard
Overheard by youknow

Stormtroopers: SciFi's Emos

Stormtrooper, holding puppy: "You know, Stormtroopers have feelings too."

Star Wars Exhibit, Franklin Institute
Overheard by Corey Hulse

Sounds Like The Beginning of A CSI:NY episode

White Chick walks by while talking angrily on cell phone and Black Dude (dressed in all black, hood up, carrying black trash bag) comes barreling out unexpectedly from between two parked cars...

White Chick jumps and turns to look at Black Dude a surprised look on her face, but she says nothing.

Black Dude yells; "WHAT YOU LOOKIN AT ME LIKE THAT FOR BITCH?- I'm just a black brother carrying a fucking trash bag!".

South Street
Overheard byYouKnewItLady

Pussy, Aisle 1. Shit, Aisle 2.

"P'scuse me. Where do you keep your pussy products and shit?"

Rite Aid, Broad & Walnut
Overheard by too funny

And That One Was On Sale At Target Last Week!

Middle-aged wife: "Those colors would go in my kitchen...I think I have a Christmas reindeer in that same pose..."

Middle-aged husband: "Will you please stop relating these priceless works of art to your decorating schemes?"

Modern Art collection, Philadelphia Museum of Art
Overheard by keeeeem

Not That Either Of Them Have Ever Seen One

Stylish black woman, regarding painting of halved apple: "Ooh, what do you think THAT looks like?"
Stylish black man, sotto voce: " ...a vagina!"

Philadelphia Museum of Art
Overheard by keeeeem

Paging Child Services, Aisle 34, Kitchen Utensils

Black woman on phone to friend: "Girl, l'mme tell you, sometimes you just gotta lay inno yo kid with a belt, wooden spoon, or shit a melon baller will even do. Shit that Joan Crawford bitch had the right idea."

Home Depot
Overheard by Channing

Someone Seems A Teeny Tiny Bit Jealous

Woman in my office: "I am so sick of this Hannah Montana bitch. She has no talent and she ugly. She just like her daddy Billy Ray Cyrus. He ain't got no talent neither. All he ever did was that stupid achy breaky dance. Stupid no talent family. Oh, and don't even get me started on Ms. Britney Spears"

Center City Office
Overheard by Chad

Congratulations You Have OCD! Johnny, Tell Him What He's Won!

African American Man to Me: "Be sure to wash your hands. This place is disgusting. There's germs everywhere. on toilets. on sinks. on door handles. germs are on anything and everything you can imagine. That's why I wash my hands 22 times a day. I wash them so hard that they're bruised and practically white!"

Inside Borders Bathroom at Broad & Chestnut
Overheard by R.T.

Bill O'Reilly Is Hanging Out At Borders?

Inside Borders Store, alarm goes as man walks to restroom & employee stops and asks him if he has any books on him.

Man nearby notices this and says to the man: "I hate the people that work here. If that alarm goes off again when your leaving, just tell them that you have metal plate in your dick and then ask if they want to see it!"

Borders, Broad & Chestnut
Overheard by R.T.

He's A Buzz Kill But He's Got A Huge Dick

Woman 1: "So how was your day?"
Woman 2: "It was great...until my husband called!"

21st and Market Streets
Overheard by R.T.

I Don't Care If She Is Your Sister

Large, loud man on cellphone: "What you doin'? You goin' in ten minutes, right?"

[Pause]

"Wake the fuck up! Stop sleeping with her and get on the goddamn plane, n*gga!"

69th st. terminal
Overheard by fellow passenger

Yes

Guy #1: "I only shop here so I can look at that hot guy that works here. He wears tight t-shirts and Oh, he is so hot."

Guy #2: "Does this mean you are a stalker now?"

Urban Outfitters 16th and Walnut
Overheard by Chad

In Your Culture Are All Food Service Employees Oompa Loompas?

Disgruntled Drexel dining hall worker at dessert station (to no one in particular): "That's right. I got y'all the cake. Now y'all take that cake and LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Drexel's Handschumacher dining hall
Overheard by culture-shocked transfer student

Which Explains The House

Angry guy on his cell phone to friend: "She may have gotten the house, but I fucked her best friend"

22nd and Sansom
Overheard by Eve

But He Rolled A Natural 20 For Carisma

Vain girl in a fuzzy-collared coat: "I was looking at his Facebook pictures and I think he's photogenic... but he's ugly in real life!"

The El
Overheard by eavesdroppergrl

Unless It's A Boy

Boyfriend: "Emma is a horrible name for a child. "

Girlfriend: "Where did that come from, the Emma bit? And I love the name Emma, so what the fuck?"

Boyfriend: "John Edward's daughter and I reserve the right to love that child less if you name one of our kids Emma. "

Temple University
Overheard by vmorgs

Rejected Titles:
Not Even Conceived And Their Child Is Already Doomed

You Go Girlfriend!

And I Reserve The Right To Not Fuck You Ever Again

It's Better Than <insert your least favorite name here/>

That's What Britney Told Me

Woman talking to friend about raising children; "Once they know how to use the microwave, they good."

SEPTA Bus 125 to King of Prussia
Overheard by MAO

I Love Your Proposal! Just Change Everything Except The Title.

Black lady ordering a salad: "I'll have a chicken ceaser salad but instead of chicken I want turkey and no eggs, extra bacon,extra cheddar cheese and french dressing."

Salad Works Gallery
Overheard by Elric

Oh Stewardess! I Speak Jive.

Old white man in his 70's to one one in particular: "Why don't you all just chisel my nissel?"

Septa
Overheard by Jim