Stop! You Must Not Pop on Cop!

School age child to sibling: "Look, cops!"

Sibling: (makes gun motion at window) "POP! POP! POP!!"

Subway train, transit police on the platform

The Lights! The Excitement! The Filth!

6 year old boy: "I'm in Las Vegas!"

Mom: "That ain't Vegas."

6 year old boy: "We're in Las Vegas!"

Mom: "If we were in Vegas I'd be drinking and gambling and you wouldn't be here."

On the El, as the train exits the tunnel
Eavesdropped by j

Is Our Children Learning Ethics?

Professor: "If you're sure you're a sociology major, then write that down. Just remember that liars go to hell."

Bryn Mawr College, explaining the class lottery system
Submitted by Got into the class

Creatures Great & Small

College girl #1: "I want to be a duck. Then I can meet other ducks."

College girl #2: "I want to be a giraffe."

College girl #1: "Giraffes are pretty amazing."

College girl #3: "Oh Jesus."

College girl #1: "And then the giraffe could be followed by ducklings!"

College girl #2: "Quack!"

Outside 30th Street Station

Who, Pimpalicious?

Man: "He didn't sexually harass you. He insulted your intelligence!"

University of Pennsylvania
Submitted by punjo

We Could Watch TV While We Do It

Girl on cell phone: (Hushed, intense voice for a few minutes, then loud enough to be heard throughout the train...)

"I'm not coming over just to F**k!! I want to go out or do something else for a change."

(Then more hushed, embarrassed phone conversation.)

R5 SEPTA Train, East of Paoli.
Eavesdropped by DS

You're So Vain

Guy #1: "Who's that G.E. Smith-lookin' bitch over there?"

(Blond, G.E. Smith-lookin' guy turns and looks at Guy #1)

Guy #1 (whispering): "Man, he's got good hearing."

Guy #2 (whispering): "Yeah, for a G.E. Smith-lookin' bitch."

Cafeteria, Elwyn

Flirtin' With the Undertaker

Man on cell phone: "No, no, I can't hear ya, I'm underground! I'm underground, on the subway. Yeah, I'm underground, I can't hear ya!"

34 trolley around 43rd and Baltimore
(very much ABOVE ground)
Eavesdropped by Ed Avery-Natale

Not to Mention Herpes

Patient (to Dental Assistant): "Do you have any chapstick?"

Dental Asst: "Yeah."

Patient: "Can I borrow it? My lips are so chapped."

Dental Asst: "Um, yeah. I'm not trying to get arthritis. You may want to try CVS."

Philly Dentist Office - Waiting Room

Kids in America

4-year-old boy: "I'm glad we don't live in America, because half of all kids in America don't eat breakfast."

Mom: "We do live in America."

Near television set
West Philadelphia

Work-Study

Stadium tickettaker: "Hey ladies! My name is Pimpalicious."

Student: "Does your momma call you Pimpalicious?"

"Pimpalicious": "Yeah, she's all like, 'Hey! P!'"

The Palestra
Overheard by Ivy

Babydakis

Professor: "You're all thinking, 'you can't possibly be sadistic enough to make us do this,' but you're wrong."

Drexel University
Submitted by Zero

City Line Kink

Guy #1: "The other night my girl friend beat me..."

Guy #2: "What happened? you come home drunk again?"

Guy #1: "No, I was stone cold sober. She found this website called bondage.com...and tonight she said something about licking her boots."

R6 Bala

On the Boulevard They Take it Hard

20ish white kid in crooked baseball cap: "Hey Homie, don't ya know me?"

20ish white kid #2: "Nah, bro I ain't know ya."

20ish white kid #1: "You knew me when you blew me."

Hess Gas Station
Harbison Avenue near Brous
Submitted by Dealia

Mixology

Girl to friend: "Have you ever heard of a shot called a royal fuck?"

Guy standing near them: "What you need that for? I got you a royal fuck right here!" (points to crotch)

Market East station

Diskotex

Freestyle rap guy: "I'm the best thing to happen to pussy since tampons."

Inbound R5 Lansdale train
Overheard by snooble

Captain Emo

Hipster Guy: "I'm like Captain Emo, I'm Mr. Relationship, I'm Mr. Cuddling. And she's a sex worker. She took me up to her place... This was before Rambo."

Sante Fe Burrito, 11th and Locust
Eavesdropped by lexvir

Like Des Moines with Angry Drunks

Angry drunk guy waiting to buy subway token: "Philly is like a 3rd rate city, it's like as good as Des Moines, Iowa. Why aren't there any fucking taxis?!"

Subway station at Wachovia Center
Eavesdropped by Nova fan

Take Five, Stay Alive

Some guy talking to his buddy: "I done smoked $3,000 worth of crack, and I need a rest!!"

12th & Callowhill
Overheard by Vis Major

15th & Broad?

Me: "I'm sorry, but that sign's kind of hard to understand. Does that bottom part mean I was parked in a loading zone?"

Cop: "Uh... yeah, I think so. That's why we don't write the tickets around here, I have no idea what the signs mean either."

After my car got towed from 15th and Broad, around midnight
Submitted by Ed Avery-Natale

We Interrupt Our Eavesdropping...

...to bring you this vision of what we'd like to see happen on the floor of the U.S. Senate today.

100 Senators convene, dressed in red vests & straw boaters à la Shakey's Pizza, twirling canes as they dance and sing:

Sen Kennedy: I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend

Sen Specter: But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend

Sen Kennedy: But I am

All Senators: Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you?
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Sen. Kerry: Not to put too fine a point on it

Sen Lieberman: Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

All: Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Sen Feinstein : I have a secret to tell
From my electrical well

Sen Feingold: It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells

Sen Leahy: So the room must listen to me

Sen Reid: Filibuster vigilantly

Sen Clinton: My name is blue canary one note spelled l-i-t-e

Sen Biden : My story's infinite
Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest

Sen Brownback: There's a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry

Sen McCain: Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free

Sen Frist: Though I respect that a lot

Sen Chambliss: I'd be fired if that were my job

Sen Santorum: After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts

Sen Graham: Bluebird of friendliness

Sen Hatch: Like guardian angels it's always near

All (with Busby Berkeley dancing):
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you?
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Boogie Oogie Woogie

Teen boy: "You know he's gay."

Teen girl: "No, he's bisexual."

Teen boy: "What's that?"

Teen girl: "It means he likes boys and girls the same."

Teen boy: "If he likes boys, he's gay."

Teen girl: "No, he changes it up. Gays just boogie woogie, but bisexuals boogie OOGIE woogie."

Broad Street Subway
Overheard by lexvir

20,000 Coeds Can't Be Wrong

Snotty College Chick: "I look like I'm homeless except for the fact that I have on Uggs and $200 jeans."

Um, Wrong City

Girl: "How much longer to the Penn Station stop?"

SEPTA R3 Train
Overheard by Miss Leuschner

Extra Novocaine Please

Couple in their early 20s:

Girl: "If you go to the dentist, I'll make out with you for four hours."

Guy: "I don't want to make out with you for four hours."

Girl: "Fine, three hours."

Rittenhouse Barnes & Noble
Submitted by E S

Man to woman returning from restroom: "So you're fucking your best friend's husband now?"

Woman: "I knew I shouldn't have left my phone on the table!"

Center City pub
Eavesdropped by Ms Missy

B (movie) Boy

Young woman: "Jason's 6'8", he could fuck Mike Myers up!"

Young man: "Michael Myers is sneakier, he mad sneaky, Jason bigger but Mike Myers is sneaky."

Young woman: "Yeah, Mike Myers got a butterknife, Jason got a fuckin' machete, Jason will fuck a n**** up!"

Young man: "Did you see that "Jason in Space" shit?"

Young woman: "Yeah, 'Jason X,' that was some shit, anything in space is wack except 'Armageddon.'"

Young man: "What about 'Leprechaun in Space'?"

Broad Street Line, Wednesday, 9 pm
Overheard by The Orange Rider

Great Moments in Facial Hair

Newspaper man: "Good morning!"

Me & my friend: "Good morning."

Newspaper man, to my friend: "You've got a great beard. I wish I had a beard like that. I'd trade you my afro for your beard."

Northwest corner of 12th & Vine
Submitted by Vis Major

Train in Vain

Little kid on the 5 bus, after El went by: "Momma, momma I saw me a train bus."

Momma: "Whatchoo talkin bout? I ain't never seen no train bus. Dang fool ass child."

5 bus, Frankford

And Vice-Versa I Suppose

Blonde girl: "I like that black guy. He reminds me of a white guy I know."

Manayunk
Eavesdropped by girlfiend


Bonus link: the best blonde joke ever.

Fancy Feast

Gay guy #1: "I need to stop and get some cat food."

Gay guy #2 : "Why? for your dog?"

Rittenhouse

Is Our Children Learning Geography?

Girl looking at a map: "Where is North American at? I don't know where America is."

Business class, Arcadia U.

No, That Was the Smack

Dancer girl: "Oh! i just felt my Advil kick in!"

CEC house in West Philly
Overheard by Nick King

Mohammed and the Mountain

Guy in Rocawear to guy in dishadasha: "Listen fool, you aint never goin' to no fuckin' Hajj OK? Does Greyhound go to fucking Mecca? Fucking forget about it. Remember that time I had to come and get you in Chester?"

15th street near LOVE Park
Eavesdropped by the watcher

Trip-Free Trip

Best Greyhound Driver Ever: "Turn off your cellphones, turn down your headphones and just relax! Ain't gonna be no trippin' on my bus!"

Riding the Dirty Dog, NYC-PHL
Submitted by lisser

Wasted Carb Binge

Sober drunk girl #1: "Did you get some cashews?"

Sober drunk girl #2: "Yeah, what else do we need?"

Sober drunk girl #1: "How about some bread?"

Sober drunk girl #2: "Yeah, for when we're drunk!"

Trader Joe's, 21st and Market
Eavesdropped by JoePeachTree

Pay Yo Damn Bill

Sales Rep: "So they shut your phone off because you didn't pay the rest of the bill."

Confused Man: "But I just got the bill today. Why would they shut it off if I just got the bill today?"

Sales Rep: "You received a bill last month, right?"

Confused Guy: "Yes."

Sales Rep: "...and you didn't pay all of that bill, right?"

Confused Guy: "Yes."

Sales Rep: "...and the bill you received today reflected that you did not pay the whole amount, right?"

Confused Guy: "Yes."

Sales Rep: "So that's why they shut your phone off, because you didn't pay all of last month's bill. You have to pay the whole bill in order for your phone to stay on. If you only pay part of it, they shut your phone off. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Confused Guy: "Yes, I understand...but why would they shut off my phone if I just got the bill today?"

Now VERY frustrated Sales Rep: "Stop asking me the same questions and just pay your bill."

T-Mobile
69th St, Upper Darby
Submitted by youjustloweredmyIQ

There's a Visine For That

Older male: "Gonna smoke weed 'til my eyes bleed."

Corner of 19th and Walnut
Eavsdropped by mzfaustus

No, Al Capp Did

Tween girl #1: "I hate the Sadie Hawkins dance! Whoever invented it should be shot."

Tween girl #2: "Uh, Sadie Hawkins did."

Bookstore in Doylestown
Overheard by pseudo intellectual